


a beautiful nightmare

by zerodaryls



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale Has a Vulva (Good Omens), Body Horror, Crack, Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), Dream Sex, First Kiss, First Time, Getting Together, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Nonsense, Other, Sexual Humor, apparently. didn't know that was the case til the end of it, aziraphale has a pussy for a head for a while, don't look at me i was just selecting random words from a generator, i don't even know where to begin., i really shouldn't be putting this in those tags lmao this is nOT what you're looking for, i take no responsibility for this mess lmao, literally so much nonsense, this is so fucking stupid why the fuck did i just spend three hours on this, this is... the most ridiculous thing i've ever posted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:07:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26493136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zerodaryls/pseuds/zerodaryls
Summary: it's 5am and i just spent most of the night making a crack fic on a predictive text generator using my other fanfics as a source. my brain is not at optimum capacity right now and this is already a ridiculous fic by nature, so. proceed with caution.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	a beautiful nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> I was dickin' around on [this predictive writer thing](https://botnik.org/apps/writer/), and decided to upload half of my fanfics as a source. The following chaos is the result of my selecting each word in turn out of a limited suggestion box. The only thing I did besides that was add punctuation. I tried to make it make as much sense as possible, but it's definitely a bunch of nonsense. Enjoy.
> 
> Apparently this takes place post-armageddon't. I only know this from context. It was not my decision. 90% of this fic was not my decision.

Aziraphale felt like a bastard. "I love your body." He gestured toward the staircase with his thumb and looked back at Crowley with all his eyes. They weren't restrained, but it was still so new. Aziraphale felt like another dimension, which meant he was going to come.

Wretched in his desperation, Crowley had to look away from his dearest friend, and was startled to see his own body seemed eager. "Aziraphale... You can't possibly be wrong to look forward with me. And I'm sorry if it ever hurt, words trembling in your sweet mind, arms folded up and becoming tormented..." He reached out for Aziraphale's cheek and shook it. "You don't have to worry about that," he whispered, "I'm certain. Aziraphale... I think I'll even put a kiss on your face." Crowley gave Aziraphale's cheek the first glimpse of a heated breath, and then realized what he'd done. "I … I'm sorry," he said, suddenly aware that Aziraphale was overwhelmed. "I'm so sorry, angel, I–"

"No." Aziraphale huffed and looked away. "I... I can't understand why I love you."

Crowley nodded dumbly. "You don't have to," he told him.

Aziraphale was quite sad, and looked absolutely ridiculous in his robe. "That's not what I mean. But I don't think I'm ready to attack that...," he sighed. "Oh, _Crowley_... Whatever you want to do is your own path. But if you want me to rub your body with my own, dear, I want it more than… more than I know how to word it."

"…Well, that's shit." Crowley ran a hand through his tears. "You don't want me unless I'm a snake."

Aziraphale's eyes shot open and he knew he'd nearly forgotten what it felt like to feel tears. "I don't want you to be a snake! I want you _inside_ of me right _now_!"

Well, that was it. Aziraphale had never said as much, and Crowley didn't know how to hide his love as he said, "Oh, please, I – F'y'want to do this, angel, I want it more. I love you. Completely and entirely helpless to it."

Aziraphale was going to come if Crowley didn't get in his arms and into his clavicle. "I need you, and I love you more, my dear. But I am _begging_ you to hide your release inside of me," he said earnestly. "I want it in my mouth and forced into holy darkness." Aziraphale groaned and clung to Crowley's side. "Just… tie me efficiently if you don't want me to mess with my own body. Indeed, I think we've got to accept that I'm… I'm a bit of a moaning devil."

Impossible hours passed and Crowley didn't even know how to handle himself, fidgeting against Aziraphale's hands and crying because it felt so good. Perhaps he truly _can_ feel better, he thought. For a moment, he could feel good. Crowley grinned as he realized that he was aroused, and pressed his lips over Aziraphale's. It felt different, but in the way he'd long desired. "Aziraphale…," he sighed, his voice barely above the floor, "Aziraphale, _fuck_ you."

Aziraphale huffed and crossed his arms over his chest, turning away.

Crowley blinked and stuttered, "I mean… I… You– Fuck _me_. I can't say stuff. I want to make love to you, sex things, you know… Millennia of being unable to look at you obscenely... it only made me say things without saying anything."

Aziraphale's face darkened with intent. "Crowley, you can't talk. I think you straddling me in my cozy layers and pulling it out to make love to me... I think that would be surely much more bright." He gestured toward his crotch and let his wings closer to Crowley with a grin. "Mmmm, that's quite fine. Perhaps even more than fine. Sexual, even. It's like... I can't come. Would you want to make me feel better?"

Collapsed to the floor, Crowley was silent. It was all slightly blasphemous, and Aziraphale was beginning to grow even more hopelessly eager. Crowley had to get up, persistent to the extent of being terrifying. He pulled himself up and nearly fell from his cock losing control. It felt much longer, and perhaps even more snakelike, if it were possible. It was incredibly wet on the sides, which was a bit distracting. Crowley groaned and tightened his robe in effort to keep his head maintained. "I'm... Officially consumed with love. …Well, honestly annoyance, and a good amount of sex – or, frenzied, crotch hard, genuinely-hasty-to-fuck-in-pleasure, but, you know..." He sighed and dropped his hand, finally allowing himself to be seen bare. "Rambling a bit, I know. Just– You might have to be the demon, in the moment. I am getting... Unspeakably sore. Really, I can't do this as the demon." Crowley blinked, his eyes too openly disobedient. "I need _you_ to be more wicked. If you can, I mean. Just... Mmmmm," he gestured to his lover's clit, "that's lovely." He cleared his throat. "But, as I was… I can't even tell you how long it's been growing." Crowley nodded to his slobbering, flushed sword. "It's still sore from when I fell. It just didn't… It doesn't have scales, but it's still fallen. It will never stop becoming revolting."

Aziraphale was into that. "I think it's alright. It's thoroughly possible that it might make me feel sore, but I love it. Fuck, I want it in my mouth," Aziraphale groaned. "I need it in my angel things. You know… the thing in my hair and face and neck?"

No, Crowley had no idea, but he was clearly somewhere in favor of it. He reached for Aziraphale's clit and pressed a finger to the hair above it. "Try it in your cunt?"

Aziraphale was quite clearly ready. "Oh yes. More, here, as you have chosen your proximity."

"Mm, angel, fuck. Whatever you want, without explanation. Just want to overwhelm you with this newfound stuff. Finally."

Aziraphale spat blood onto his hand and placed it on Crowley's cock. "To get you all hot and bothered," he said quickly. Then, Crowley was cackling and licking at Aziraphale's eyes. Aziraphale shook his head. "What the _hell_ was that?" He wasn't even subtle–he was so unpleasant. " _No one_ can do that, Crowley. I don't like it."

Afraid, Crowley was silent for a moment. He couldn't bring himself to look at Aziraphale's downcast face. "I'm sorry, I know that was embarrassing to do. Should I stop rubbing circles on your clit?"

"No! Not that. I don't want to come before you, but I don't want you to stop. It was the blasphemous thing you were just barely– The thing where I am getting my eyes stroked on your lips. It felt like a ghost would make them disappear. I love your body, dear, but I love vision more."

"Oh. Right. Right, I– I'm sorry. I will never do it again. I don't deserve your love…"

Unclothed, Aziraphale felt emotional. "Oh, Crowley, ohhhh, of course that's not possible!" He took Crowley's hand in his own, manicured nails on tight skin. "You are astoundingly attractive, and I'm sorry you don't believe it," he said earnestly and kissed his hand.

"No, I know that. It's not that. It's… You must find it all reduced to exterior trouble. I mean the _demon_ stuff. The scales and the fangs and the fact that I want to taste those eyes of a mischievous angel. It's not worthy. I am an eternal _chainsaw_ ," Crowley said, wrapping his legs around Aziraphale's shoulders, his wings fluttering around Aziraphale's clit. "I don't deserve the cherished wings unfolding around me."

Aziraphale was quite frankly vulnerable, staring directly at Crowley's cock, as it was in his face. "Oh…," he said after a moment. "I think I might have to prove to you… that you are unequivocally good, as I think of you. I don't mind that you have been a demon for a while. I would never have chosen to be so kind to you if that was it. What if you were an angel?" Aziraphale smiled and shook his head. "It doesn't even make any sense. You are you, I am me, and I'm more than fine with that."

Body thrusting against Aziraphale's face, Crowley was still crying at the moment, and it looked absolutely ridiculous.

Aziraphale, reddening in the eye as Crowley thrust into it, quickly replaced his head with a miracle. Crowley blinked at the sudden thing on Aziraphale's neck–it was a long, wet cunt. Aziraphale couldn't sense anything besides the demon's cock teasing his face– Well, his face felt more like a lustful, holy cunt at the time. It was all ready for Crowley's cock and started sucking lazily at the scales that had formed on the edge of it. How it was still an angel, and even keeping it up with the welcoming pussy intentions, Aziraphale couldn't possibly begin to tell you. He felt so lovely, but so… _hideous_. He was a strange being– the top of him made into a dark abyss, but the rest of him as it should be. "I think I'm a demon or something," he said... if he could have. It was incredibly uncomfortable to say stuff because he was a long, sensitive cunt.

"What did you… It's not possible to hear you, angel. You are wearing a sort of sex on your head," Crowley huffed, then miracled his eyes and let himself fall a bit into Aziraphale's cunt, so he could see clearly in the pit of it. "I can't even– I can't enjoy it, Aziraphale, I know it's only temporary, but it's all so… I'm afraid of you. You don't see it, you don't know how much damage will be incurred by being a nightmare of this nature." He licked in the middle of Aziraphale's face-horror, then he dragged himself out of it entirely and shook. "I don't like that. I would rather not be touched by... That." Crowley nodded to himself and got down, leaving Aziraphale to be the only thing in the room. "I'm going to fucking discorporate from your cunt. That was embarrassing and looked absolutely fucking _nope_ and shook a demon from his skin. I don't want to be here." He reached the door and faced it. "I… I'm going to come back over, but you can't be a defective thing, Aziraphale. Whatever you're doing... It wasn't even subtle. It was the first time in a minute that I have been so overwhelmed with shock." Crowley blinked, before finally opening the door and then he was nowhere to be seen.

Aziraphale was in shock. He didn't even know how he'd turned into that pit of sexual surprise. He had only briefly been too distraught from the demon's cock teasing his eyes and then he'd gone and let himself into a state of configuration he'd never wanted. It was Crowley's cock! It was that shaky, hard thing in his face! "It's not permanent," he gestured toward himself with his hands, but he didn't say it. He had no sense of a wretched smile; his mouth was nothing.

Aziraphale was still an angel, but his head was a problem, as it had become very wet and was literally a crotch. It felt impossible and he shuddered at the state he was in. He had to get out of his thoughts and into his usual form. "Just breathe," he told himself, but it didn't matter, as he couldn't really make the blasted clit on his face seem to do that. "Oh fuck," he said in his mind, "I'm a bit of a stubbornly unpleasant wetness."

It was a few hours later when the waves of pain began, pulling Aziraphale's cunt from the inside, and then he'd had quite enough of being a mistake.

He was back to his modest and aroused, desirable skin, and looked at himself in the mirror on the table nearest his head. "Oh, yes. That's how it looks. Ah, everything about it's like it was in the first place. That is good. I am perfectly normal, and Crowley said he loved me." Aziraphale swallowed. The moment before Crowley yanked the door open earning his growing negative thoughts. "Oh, no… I think I might have left him in mental times of pain."

Aziraphale was going to drink his head to complete unfamiliarity, but then Crowley blinked into the bookshop and looked at him nervously. "I am apologizing for hurting you, then," Crowley said, his eyes closed and pressed against his hands. "I know you didn't even know what you were– I know it was a strange sensation on your own body, and I don't want you to think you're ridiculous for it... It was incredibly wet, and you looked _ugly_ as a... you know. But I hope you are able to relax, and... And I want you to push my come inside it." Crowley sucked in a breath and looked at Aziraphale's bare body. "You know you're still plump and very wet, angel?"

Aziraphale was still crying because of Crowley's voice; he'd nearly forgotten it. But then he realized he was still quite desperately ready for Crowley's cock. "I know it," he said. "I know, I'm so wet and ready for you. Can I ask... Would it have been possible to do it if I still was a whole, gasping, mindless genitalia?"

"No. No... It wasn't even a good one. It was incredibly stiff and literally covered in ash." Crowley shrugged. "But that's just how they go, really. It's okay. Please don't try reverting to it, if you can. It's not permanent, but it hurt to look at you, angel. Fuck, I need you to say something. I am falling into a moan and I can't say another word. Can you just… please press on my cock a bit?"

Aziraphale wiped his cheeks, then reached for the demon's cock. "I'm definitely aroused by grabbing it."

Finding Aziraphale's hands to be unaccommodating, Crowley groaned. "It really shouldn't feel like this, but it burns... It's just enough to shoot down to get those scales on my feet burning."

Aziraphale wasn't sure about that. "That's not possible."

_Absurdity_ , Crowley said in his mind. "It _is_ , and I'm sorry for it. But you can make it hurt less," he told him. "You have to send your love to my feet."

Aziraphale laughed at his fool of a demon. "I love your cock, and even more so, I love _you_ , Crowley, but I am begging you… I'm not going to fucking cry over the scales on your feet."

Shook, Crowley had to bite his hands in effort to ease the tension in his body. "But… it _hurt_! It's still sore, and, _wow_ , you– You don't mind that I am in that position of pain?" Crowley blinked back the severity of his eyes. "You really don't feel, then. I love you, and you don't feel the same."

Aziraphale was bothered. "I– _No_. I believe you are unbreakable. _That's_ what I mean. It might not be perfectly lovely, dear, but I know you can manage the scales."

"You are astoundingly, irreversibly unable to be redirected. You don't know what I mean. Just…" Crowley huffed and looked from his cock to Aziraphale's eyes. "Are you going to fucking tease me, or…?"

Immediately, Aziraphale's clit asked for its own accord. Aziraphale was too excited to see it pouting. "You are most right, dear," he said. "It's cock-inside-me-under-the-blanket time."

_Well, that's it, then,_ Crowley grinned. "Oh yes, yes, yes, that. That's what I want. Always. I need you inside of me."

Aziraphale glanced down, then to Crowley with a frown. "...I ...I am asking for clean, deep sincere thoughts on your body. You want me to be inside of _you_? You don't want to be inside _me_?"

_Oh. Right._ "No, I, ah, I would rather be the only thing to be inside of you. But in the weeks of the way out, ah, you can do it, too." Crowley shrugged. "You know, if you want."

Aziraphale, lovable and thick, surged forward and covered his snakelike beauty of a demon with his own body, his lips parted, his hands wide and heavy at Crowley's waist. He felt something emerge from his mouth–but it was okay; it was a snake. "I think I might have a snake in my mouth," Aziraphale said primly. "It's fine, but I think it might be angry, and it might make you feel sore, in a bit. Just want to make sure to say it, promptly, so I don't have to apologize for something that I wouldn't do."

"What?" Crowley said, wrapping himself in Aziraphale's lap. "I can't understand you. You have a snake–"

Crowley was clearly traumatized, being as he was just bloodied up from the little snake in Aziraphale's cheek. He realized he'd been kissing the fuming antagonist of a snake, and it didn't _want_ that. He couldn't heal himself, and looked meaningfully into Aziraphale's eyes. "I am asking you to hide the ridiculous, dumb, and grotesque sight in your sweet kiss, and then," Crowley groaned in his desperation, "and then let me be rid of pain."

Aziraphale, angel like he was, suddenly assaulted a snake in his mouth, turning it entirely black as he pulled it out and scrambled it on the floor. "I think that was it," he said. And then something miraculous happened–the pain that Crowley had been knocked into... It was nothing.

"You just manicured the hand of pain," said Crowley, and it sounded very interesting, but it didn't make _sense_. Aziraphale refused to hold back the smile tugging at his lips. Crowley was a lovely, sensitive thing.

"Well," Aziraphale said, "I know you're still so aroused, but I want you to stop whimpering; you can't make love to me in that position."

Crying, Crowley nodded. "I know, angel. I know."

Aziraphale, a bit of a mischievous thing, wiggled as he walked to Crowley. "I think it's about time I invited you into a fresh, wet cunt," he said, lifting his legs and effort to get up in Crowley's face. "You want to hide your forehead in that?" He licked the demon's back as he came on his hair. "Oh _fuck_ , that was quite nicely religious. Frenzied, but only briefly. I love that. And you, Crowley? I want to know if you were overwhelmed with pleasure in the moment. ...Crowley?"

Pale and shook, his voice raw, Crowley had to stifle a little moan as he said, "I liked it. It felt so good for you to spill your cunt waves on my hair. Of _course_ I love that. You came on my hair!"

"I want to come on your body in its entirety, Crowley. Mmmmm, Crowley, mmmmm," Aziraphale groaned, waist still buried deep in Crowley's tousled hair. "Fucking... Sex with you, Crowley. Fuck me. I want you shaking your release into my body, your love poured into it. I don't mind a bit of blood. I know you have sex like that, surely, as you are... a demon."

"You… You don't think I've got thick, unholy, glossy eyelids on my cock, or something like that, do you?"

Aziraphale was woke; he knew that was rhetorical. He looked back at Crowley with a sigh. "I'm not a _child_ , Crowley. I _know_ you don't have sex things like that. You... You have scales climbing up the side of it, and horns hidden in your wings, and something akin to dread in your release. I mean... It's all... It might have a little sting in it, the same way that bite was. You can't even– You can only have sex things like _that_. Why, I don't know. But I know demons have sex in hot, deep wounds. Shoot massive, burning, terrible things streaming from your release. It's cock gold, but it's all _unpleasant_. It's covered in lavender-scented bubbles and ash, and a bit of blood in the middle–"

Crowley spoke with remorse as he said, "That's not even a _bit_ sober, angel. You are loved, but that is just… Don't go and let them ruin the demon stuff– It's not real, that bit. I don't have that. You– I'm sorry to be _okay_ , but Aziraphale, I am perfectly normal." Crowley smiled fondly and kissed Aziraphale's brows. "More human genitalia, actually."

Aziraphale leaked a few bubbles of… well, the same creamy, angel-like pleasure thing from his pleading, sweet entrance as before. Crowley was grinning, which had Aziraphale's clit grazing the demon's cock. Aziraphale looked down at it and horror destroyed his head. "That... That _happened_ ," he said. His mind began crying from the inside as he watched his own body stubbornly explore the demon's cock.

"What is your cunt..." Crowley blinked in stunned amusement. "It _does_ all that?"

Aziraphale was going to fucking discorporate. "It demanded the moment," he said finally, staring blankly at his offending pink chaos. "I don't know how it's like this. It felt like a _snake_ , coming out and– Mmm, it's gonna lick at you. It's just going to fucking _slick_ on your body and I'm going to be so lucky."

Well. Crowley was completely broken with that. "I– I'm... So good, angel, fuck, this is ridiculous, but it might make me feel better. I love your clit, angel. It really shouldn't be able to do this, but if it's gonna be able to do _anything_ , I am perfectly content to be touched by a little nub that you can't do anything about."

Crowley, aware of just how naked he was, suddenly leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Aziraphale's. "Oh fuck, please, yes, I want my cock inside Aziraphale," he whispered down to his lover's clit. "Just keep doing that. You are quite _desperately_ ready for a good amount of Crowley's cock, you are," Crowley soothed the sexy thing Aziraphale had become possessed by. "You can't move," he said, to Aziraphale, "but that's fine. Yeah, it's all so beautiful, angel. You are persistent, but it's– _Fuck_ , angel," Crowley groaned at the feeling of Aziraphale's cunt, teasing his own body and unabashedly intimate with him. "That... You... It's like it means to climb my cock and offer cake to me. How _nice_ , angel. You have a wicked, golden cunt. It's a good one, Aziraphale. You really have a snake of a slobbering sex."

Aziraphale was still quite frankly _wretched_ , his face screwed into a state of the word "lost". He couldn't bring himself to hold Crowley's gaze; he felt so much pleasure and frustration and _knew_ that he was wailing now, but he couldn't seem to return the erratic action of his body to his head. It was in automated fervor, tilting on Crowley's cock before finally having sex in the way he'd long desired.

" _Fuck_ ," Crowley retrieved his voice, "it… it didn't even put a kiss on my cock before it fell down on it. I can't even _tell_ you how painful that was. It felt like crying. Sex things are quite difficult, I know. It's not your fault, and I don't feel it hurt by now, so I think we've got it all better. It's like the equivalent of being a little sigh on the edge of a giggle, which– Well, it's _hot_ , angel. Ohhhh, fuck. It hurt to move at first, but I am in _love_ with this moment, Aziraphale. Fuck."

Aziraphale simply clung to Crowley's back and pressed his lips hopelessly to his lover's neck. "I can't– I'm going to come," he said.

Crowley groaned. "You don't have to explain yourself, angel, you can do anything that you want. Just have sex with me and I will be warning you that it's gonna be my come in your cunt, angel, _fuck_ , mmmmm..." Crowley groaned and filled his willing body, his release suddenly unholy and pressed into Aziraphale's cunt. "Oh fuck, yes, _fuck_ , angel, I love you. Fuck."

Aziraphale manifested a few more intense body pleasure streaks into himself and loosened his grip from Crowley's back. "Yeah," he sighed, "I think I'm a bit restless with love for you, Crowley. It's like I don't know how to heal the memory of pain, so I need you inside me to get rid of it."

"Well, I am perfectly content to do that, Aziraphale."

Aziraphale and Crowley had been dreaming the entire time, but it didn't matter. It was still worth something to say, "I love you."

They'd switched bodies and then something foreign happened that focused them in the fantasy of this nature. It didn't matter how– they were just confronting those feelings for the both of them.

The light from the dream changed, and then Crowley blinked and was instantly giddy.

Aziraphale was aware of the demon in his arms as he felt himself begin to get up. "It was a strange thing," he said, "that hallucination."

"It wasn't that," Crowley said. "You were in my body, and I was in your body, and it made– I think we've just experienced the same night."

"Well, it was a bit… wrong, in a few moments." 

"Yeah, I– I'm glad that it's not real. You really look horrific, angel," Crowley said. "Well, the moment you were a nipple, I mean." 

"...I was a long, wet cunt, Crowley," said Aziraphale icily. "You don't have to _test_ it." 

"I was just trying to make sure," Crowley said. 

"Well," Aziraphale huffed, "I'm quite glad that it's all over. That was embarrassing, and a bit obscenely, ah, sinful. You know, the way, um, I mean, with you and I... You know." 

"Yeah?" Crowley grinned. "You can't talk about it, can you?" He whispered, "Aziraphale... You mean we were entirely _exposed_ , and pressed against each other, unabashedly adoring... You, perfectly content to have sex with me, and I was in love with you, too, and it was all that you could do to get close to me? That it?" 

Aziraphale fisted his hands in the sheets and looked away. "You are… I can't even think of the word," he said, "but you are, quite frankly, a _snake_." 

"And I think _you_ are particularly phenomenal, and I love you more than I can manage to say." 

Aziraphale, his mouth suddenly dry, apologized. "I– I didn't mean to say something so... I, I mean, I... I love you, too, Crowley. And the sexual moments of the nightmare– I mean– It wasn't completely unbearable." 

The sudden shock of being told Aziraphale felt the same way– _fuck_ , Crowley was absolutely giddy. "You… Well, then. I– that's lovely. We should have sex, then. Unless you just–" 

"Yes, Crowley," Aziraphale blushed, "I want to make love to you." 

They spent the next next hour in bubbles of adoration and moans of pleasure. Crowley's hand traveled Aziraphale's back and pressed against his thighs, and it was incredibly vulnerable and so gentle. And Crowley was grinning, and Aziraphale was overcome with love for his dearest friend. And the demon pulled his robe off and pressed himself into Aziraphale's welcoming pussy, and it was nice.

**Author's Note:**

> why did i stay up til 5am working on this i regret that decision immmensely
> 
> if anyone wants to draw anything from this fic please consider not doing that because it would probably be nightmare-inducing. but also please tag me in it because i have a morbid curiosity as to what pussy-face aziraphale would look like.
> 
> right. time for me to fuck off to dream land and have a very surreal nightmare.


End file.
